Posts Tagged: oreos

the blob.

Time for a health update! The good: blood tests from a week ago came back normal (of course). Have an appointment this Thursday with a vascular specialist, and an appointment next Thursday with a rehab/PT place. The bad: foot is intermittently cold and/or numb. Leg still swollen. The ugly: I totally ate oreos and cheetos today for an afternoon snack all the way through dinner. I look like a blob. I feel like a blob. THE BLOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBB. I did about 10 minutes of light walking. I did about 120 minutes of suffering through the first four measures of a song…. I’m not done yet.

And then I couldn’t fit into my bridesmaid’s dress.

Tonight, I ended the standstill I had going with trying on my bridesmaid’s dress. I have had the dress for about a month. I didn’t go to get it altered. Why? Because I knew I was fat, that’s why. On top of swearing too much, I also eat too much. Conversely, sometimes I forget to eat. In health speak, this equates to a giant frowny face that means “this is why you’re fat.” If I were trying to be positive, I would say, “Well, Amanda, you’re not obese! You have boobs! You sometimes work out! And every now and then… I’m not done yet.


According to Beattie, surrendering to the Powers that Be is how we become empowered. Still, I have a hard time believing that, fully: I might be biased but part of me views that as an out. Maybe it’s more a sense of accepting where you’re at, and building from there. Or finding a way to deal with what you’ve been dealt. I have no idea; I’m not very smart on these matters. But I’m trying to figure it out, especially when I’ve had a today like today. Today was rough. Like,┬árough. As in… I got maybe an hour of sleep,… I’m not done yet.

Searching for a piece of peace.

When I say that I am a worrier, it is not an understatement. If it comes down to it, I can easily out-worry a Jewish grandmother. It’s just what I’ve always done. And lately, there’s been a lot for me to worry about, but it’s not like there’s anything especially new. The regular stressors continue to loom. And though I try to remind myself to breathe, though I try to relax and let everything take its course, I end up just continuing to worry. After all, how can something happen if I don’t make it happen (though there have been… I’m not done yet.