Posts Tagged: chocolate

“Weekend” Update.

Something very strange has occurred within the past two days; namely, that I had two days off in a row, and therefore got to experience what I very rarely experience: a weekend. Monday was spent alternating between my couch and more couch, but I did make the trip to the vascular peeps to do more testing on my leg. They wanted to do a DVT ultrasound (to see if there was a blood clot), and to check the popliteal artery (to check – one more time – if it was compartment syndrome). I attempted to explain that I thought it… I’m not done yet.

So.

It recently came to my attention (as in, just now) how easy it is for me to shut everything out around me when I am stressed. The following is going to be a whole lot of WAAAAAing. Ready? I really, seriously, need to put breaks on this Amanda-mobile. I’ve spent the evening zoning out to Netflix and eating chocolate chips from a bag. I mean, that’s not even dinner. That’s chocolate. And it’s great and all, but what the hell am I doing? I spilled a bottle of water on the floor and it took me two hours (TWO HOURS)… I’m not done yet.

And then I couldn’t fit into my bridesmaid’s dress.

Tonight, I ended the standstill I had going with trying on my bridesmaid’s dress. I have had the dress for about a month. I didn’t go to get it altered. Why? Because I knew I was fat, that’s why. On top of swearing too much, I also eat too much. Conversely, sometimes I forget to eat. In health speak, this equates to a giant frowny face that means “this is why you’re fat.” If I were trying to be positive, I would say, “Well, Amanda, you’re not obese! You have boobs! You sometimes work out! And every now and then… I’m not done yet.

Stressin’ Out.

I’m being a bit of a baby today because I’m sick. Don’t ask me with what, because I don’t know, but my body is not my friend. I feel heavy and hot and altogether bleh. There are a lot of elements in my life that haven’t come together just yet, and I’m stressing out. And despite my daily reminder to myself to stay positive, sometimes it’s hard to do just that. I haven’t been very good to myself food-wise. I keep telling myself to eat better, and then I keep eating Cheetos (I haven’t actually had Cheetos in some time,… I’m not done yet.

Fulfillment.

Day 67 was supposed to begin with a mantra of sorts: “Everything I need shall be provided today. Everything.” I missed that memo, though. So, some matters that I needed to be taken care of were taken care of – chocolate, a laugh every now and then; some still weren’t – still trying to figure out my financials before I go crazy on vacation; and some happened without me even asking – I did NOT need the two-hour headache that accompanied me at the end of the work day and is still lingering. Fulfillment, according to Beattie, is about trust… I’m not done yet.