The Selfish Self.

“And then you get a tap on your shoulder… and when you turn around, who’s behind you? THE WORLD.” – Dane Cook

It’s not too far into May just yet and the world is on my back. (OH MY GOD, AMANDA, YOU’RE SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN.)

Eh. Sort of. So, I don’t really know because I’m not on a direct line with these things, but I’m pretty sure that something is telling me (rather, strongly suggesting?) that there are people in my life who I think are important who maybe are not so important, and it’s time for me to let them ride off into the sunset.

(Everyone I know rides horses, or something.)

One of my very best friends for many years and I largely stopped speaking to each other, probably about 6 months ago. I found out through someone else that he is engaged and I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me. But, it’s probably because it doesn’t matter what I think, no matter how important or integrated into his life I used to be. It’s those kind of moments which allow you to see things clearly. And if you’re smart, you’ll follow the direction it sets out for you. This one, as sad as it makes me, tells me our friendship is really, really over as much as we attempted to patch it up.

I’m sadly behind at work and I’ve been trying to catch up like crazy. It’s not going to happen. I just have to accept this. On Monday (or was it Wednesday? I don’t remember), I was cautioned by one of my bosses about being too friendly toward the people I work with. I’ve long had issues with intermixing my personal and professional allies, but I think my company has sort of set itself up for that. Nevertheless,  I appreciated the criticism and took it far better than I have in the past. You could say that I’m growing as a person, but I think it was due to the delivery of the criticism. I wasn’t accused of anything right away and I was treated like a human with a brain. It was a change, compared to some of the other interactions I’ve had. The point is, it wouldn’t kill me to be a bit more objective. I don’t know how successful I’ll be, but I’ll work on it.

I think some of the things we do out of stubbornness are really just fear of the unknown. So we have our selfish reasons for not letting go of friendships or not changing our habits or behaviors because it protects our vulnerability. When you start being more objective, it might free up more options. When you stop clinging, you might notice something you hadn’t before.

Hopefully, I’ll start to notice positive changes and get the world off my back, because this thing is effing heavy.

159 Responses to “The Selfish Self.”

  1. Erica

    Your last paragraph (about stubbornness) pretty much sums up my life for the past year. Thanks for saying it much better than I have been able!

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