“Elaine shrugs. She’s not surprised at how other people are able to float in and out as if they have special powers–can walk through walls and travel great distances at a blink, etc., whereas Elaine is always earthbound, stuck.” – A.M. Holmes, Music for Torching
Sometimes, I find myself jealous of other people and I don’t even understand why. It’s not of malicious intent – more of a curious thing. I think it’s safe to say that as children, the thought never crosses our mind that there are some things we just cannot do – the world can’t touch us. When I was younger, I used to climb baseball fences all the way to the top. When I was younger, I’d stand on a chair in the middle of my dad’s restaurant and sing “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid. When I was younger.
As I’ve grown older, I know more about fear, about doubt, about the fact that I’m not meant to climb baseball fences all the way to the top (unless I’m protesting. Am I protesting? No? My feet are planted firmly on the ground, then). I see all these people surrounding me, ones that are go-getters, or social butterflies, or (insert generic term here), and wonder, “Why-oh-why cannnnnn’t I?” (Also, why can’t I have ruby red shoes that *sparkle*?) Maybe because you would never wear them, Amanda. Oh, okay then.
Admittedly, other people just seem to have their lives together in a way I do not. I am the girl who attempts to put makeup on, and instead ends up with mascara just below her eye. I am the girl who cannot do any type of arts/crafts. Home repair? Fo’-ghed-aboud-id. (Once, I tried to stop the toilet from continuing to run water [the sound got annoying after awhile]. Put the top toilet lid on the bathroom sink – which fell into the sink, and cracked the sink bowl. Now, I’m afraid to even put up a picture frame.) … Trust me, there’s more where that came from.
And that leads me to think, “This doesn’t really happen to other people, right? I mean, other people would know what to do.”
So, I stick to the simple things. All self-action, no heavy lifting required. Writing, reading, ‘rithmetic (okay, maybe not). And wonder what other people’s lives are like. Whether it is all smoke and mirrors.
And hope that maybe someday, I’ll be able to put up a picture frame.