The “C” Word.

Sadly, this post is not about the TV show, which I have never seen, or the swear word which I’ve been using a lot lately (my newest phrase is, “Stay cunty, my friend”). Rather, it is about a C word that I know all too well.

Commitment.

It’s a word/subject/action I have a lot of trouble with. In relationships, I’m a hardcore committer, sometimes to my detriment. I once dated a guy for a year and a half before I figured out I didn’t like him. At all. And I remember thinking before we officially started dating that I really didn’t want a relationship, but I also didn’t want to lose him as a friend. So, of course, we dated.

I commit to a lot, I think, out of fear. What would happen if I didn’t have this, right now? What will I be missing out on if I do not do this? What will this person think if I say, “No,” and commit to that? This mentality has brought me good experiences and luck (my fitness trek has LARGELY been due to impulsivity). But more often, once the wave of “can’t wait” is over, I’m left in the middle, feeling stuck, pondering how I got where I ended up.

Beattie writes about being patient; to erase the word “should.” Urgency, impulsivity, and fear will all pass. And what we might be left with is some clear direction born out of intuitiveness. I’m experiencing this impulsive urge a bit at the moment, since my negotiation on my apartment didn’t work. And since I’d like to stay true to my word, it means I have to find a new place. It fills me with dread: Where will the money come from? Will my apartment search go well? Should I just stay here? I just have to trust that the answers will come in time – and while I’m waiting, start preparing for different possibilities.

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