Tabula Rasa.

I realize that the meaning of the title is more of the “blank slate” variety, but it really wouldn’t kill anyone to pretend like they’re smart, right?

Day 24. Heavy. Day. 24.

Beattie says to clean the slate. Whatever has happened in the past is just that – in the past. Easy to say. Hard to do.

What am I holding onto? The better question is: What am I NOT holding onto? I’ve had relationships in the past that, at the time, I believed were worthwhile. I believed, that if there was some sort of conflict, or struggle, that meant that it was all going to be so much greater someday.

Someday shouldn’t have to wait. Someday should be every day. I’m not implying that it should all be perfect… relationships take a lot of work. 9 times out of 10, I blamed myself for the relationship’s failures, a litany of wasn’ts and shoulds: I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t do enough, I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t willing enough. If only I would have done, I should have said, maybe I should talk, maybe I should stay away…

It’s a broken record. And not a very good one, at that.

I’ve been trying to clean the slate, and I still feel like there are smudges on it. But most of those are my own ghosts, the remnants of the past. It’s one of those things: Today is a new day. And with a deep breath, begin again until the smudges fade.

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