Stupid Allergies.

It’s been a very long day and I can barely keep my itchy, watery eyes open.

Somehow, every spring/summer, I forget I have allergies.

If I take Benadryl, I’ll be out like a light in 20 minutes. Good for me, but also bad for me, because I have an apartment to clean. That is to say, someone is coming to my apartment to look at it tomorrow while I am at work.

I should maybe make the place look presentable. OR, I could say it’s a mess because I’m moving. I don’t have to tell them it’s looked like this for three years.

I would like to leave a message in the middle of my coffee table for the prospective renter:

“Dear Prospective Renter,

Welcome to my humble abode. First and foremost, I am neither an interior designer nor a gay man. I wouldn’t know how to decorate to save my life. Please ignore this as you walk through.

The water damage you see in the upper left livingroom ceiling corner has been there for approximately 1.5 years. It happened one lonely winter. First a tiny drip. The next day, a deluge. I was told it would be fixed. It wasn’t.

In fact, you’ll have a lot of issues with water. Your kitchen sink faucet will drip incessantly. Your toilet will run about every 20 minutes. And sometimes, when it doesn’t happen, you’ll find it very odd and uncomfortable.

Back to the kitchen. Are you a baker, or an amateur chef? Perhaps a real chef? That’s cool. I watch Food Network like it’s my job. (It’s TOTALLY NOT! high five!) Anyway, if you’re going to be cooking or baking for a long time, close the bedroom door off the kitchen and, for extra protection, open up the back door to the porch. If these measures are not followed, your smoke alarm will go off. every time. you try. to cook. You might try asking for better ventilation. I did – you see where it got me.

So maybe at this point you’re like, “What the fuck do you know, current tenant? You still have a tube TV.”

Point taken, prospective renter. BUT I’ve lived here for three and a half years, and these are the things I know. Perhaps, so that they can seem extra fancy, the management co will spruce things up before you actually move in.

Here’s the good news: the apartment, despite its flaws, is pretty awesome. I didn’t do much with it because, well, life got in the way. What happened, you ask? Laziness. That’s what happened as far as you’re concerned. It’s located in a great area. You can  walk to everything. Your next door neighbor isn’t intrusive; in fact, the most you’ll hear from him is some weird music at 5am as you’re leaving for work and you wonder at how much you never can hear that music. It might lead you to want to test the limits of your loudness to see who can hear you, but… don’t. Don’t do that.

The rest of the neighbors are pretty friendly. Speaking of rest, I don’t think the upstairs neighbor does. He walks and walks and walks and walks. 9am? Walking. 1am? Walking. Meh. I got used to it.

Thanks again for taking the time to view!

-Amanda”

 

I think it has potential, don’t you?

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