“Just keep swimming.” – Dori, Finding Nemo
I found Beattie’s book. It was on my chair in plain sight. Whatever.
Timely, too, that I opened it up. On the last day of May, she writes, “‘What if’s’ can make us crazy… [make us wonder] whether we can trust ourselves…”
I do the “what if” game all of the time. But, I’m trying to let it go. I find that it’s a very fine line between not caring about the decisions I make as an excuse to do things I shouldn’t do, and to not worry and trust myself.
I told my sister yesterday that I was selling all of my stuff, and she seemed genuinely surprised. But here is the biggest obstacle about moving to me: I need to get rid of my stuff. Granted, I’ve only sold three things so some of this has to go with me; however, I’m truly looking at this as a fresh start. I need to get rid of the silent fear that I am not able to take care of myself.
Now, don’t be alarmed, you won’t see me on “Hoarders” or anything like that, but I just think it would be nice to have things that don’t have much attached to them, or that aren’t things that I’ve had since I was a teenager.
Maybe it’s materialistic, but I find new(er) things to be considered a sign of adulthood. Which is weird, I know, I’ve been living on my own since I was 23 (I’m not counting college; you’re not an adult in college, no matter what lies you told your parents). I’ve always felt, though, that something else was just ahead, and so I’ve never really felt comfortable; I’ve always waited for whatever it was that I thought should or was going to happen.
Over the past 6 months or so, I’ve gotten better, but I really think this is a good decision. I’m frantic still, at times, but I’m also really excited for what this all means. The next month will be hectic, but I think if I can stay focused, I can get so much accomplished and just keep going with it.