Day 7: I’m exhausted, emotionally wrung dry from head to toe. Usually, on Saturdays, this is the case. I work a full day (9 – close, whenever close is); by the time I come home, I have absolutely no interest in going out. All I want to do is be by myself and decompress.
To say that my job stresses me out is an understatement. I work for a distribution company and I’m doubly stressed on Saturdays because I’m in charge the entire day. But even before I walk in the door, I start to feel the weight. I think this is because I’m so used to something going wrong, that there’s some sort of problem that will become mine.
It is my contention that some of these problems are avoidable, but that not everyone thinks the way I do. It is also my contention that my co-workers would do well to start thinking the way I do. But that’s probably not going to happen anytime soon, or ever. However, even that knowledge doesn’t help me to shrug off the stress. No, instead it builds as I’m on my way to work, wondering what I will encounter.
Today, I walked into work, and one of the overnight office guys says, “Amanda’s here! I’m out.” When I asked for the rundown of what I needed to know, he said that he had already explained everything to another co-worker of mine, and walked out the door.
That’s great, dude. But that doesn’t help me. Why? Because my co-worker is NOT me. He doesn’t know what I know (at least, not yet), and he won’t look for the things I will. So I start to take inventory of what I have in front of me – where the drivers are, what special deliveries I have yet to complete, what was done overnight, and what we couldn’t get. I’m a little miffed as it is by the two-second exchange I had with OOG; I found it rude. Then, when I look at the note log to make sure everything’s taken care of, I’m more pissed off that what I’m looking at is a ton of shorted product for customers.
And I know. Sometimes things aren’t available. But when simple things – things you could get at a meager grocery store are shorted – that just says to me that there’s a lack of concern, and that you are lazy. It’s not what I would do. When I know that there’s something I could do to make my co-workers’ shifts easier, 9 times out of 10, I will do it. But… It makes me upset. Really. Really. Upset.
Beattie says to deal head on with painful feelings. You’re upset? Super. Deal with it, and let it go.
And there. Therein lies the problem. I have such a hard time with that. I was stressed out before I got there, I got more stressed out as I walked in, and I stayed pissed for a good hour. I find it really hard to let anger go. It’s not as if I want to hold on to it; I don’t. The only person that gets hurt by it is me, because I’m the only one who feels it. Asshole OOG (yes, now he’s an asshole) doesn’t feel it – he walked out the door and left work behind.
I seriously don’t know how to handle it. I feel it immediately and I carry it around. And I feel bad; I think I scare people. I think they can feel the tension hanging on me. (Sorry, co-workers!)
In the best situation, I would love to not experience anger at all. Since that’s not possible, I would love to get rid of it ASAP. But to me, it’s bigger than “no big deal.” But I think that I need more than a few deep breaths to fix this problem. It requires some acceptance – not defeat – just acceptance.
It might also require alcohol. And a punching bag. Whatever.