“I kept falling over, kept looking backwards. I went broke believing that the simple should be hard.” – Matt Nathanson
Day 31. ANOTHER DAY OF ASKING FOR WHAT I NEED. How cruel.
It reminded me of a not-so-long ago conversation I had with my dad. It went like this:
Me: “When I get a new phone, I will beat you all at Words With Friends.”
My dad: “You need a boyfriend.”
My dad is a well-meaning man. I talk about phones, he wants me to date. He bought me a pair of shoes in August because I loved them (but certainly would not have bought them myself). The underlying reason for his benefaction? That wearing them would, in fact, get me a boyfriend.
I now call them “the boyfriend boots.”
During the “phone” conversation, he said, “The universe will provide for you when it’s time.”
Sorta like that whole (or exactly like that whole), “God gives you what you can handle” concept.
And right now (and since 2009) I haven’t felt ready for another relationship. I mean, a completely true, devoted relationship. That’s been my choice. Even before I made that choice, it was also my decision (mostly subconsciously) to become involved with men who were unavailable, physically and emotionally (which seems to be a recurring theme for me).
I believed that love was something you had to fight for. That love had to be proven.
I was wrong. Relationships are hard in the truest sense. They are constantly changing, always going forward even when they’re sliding backward. If it matters, it takes work to MAKE it work.
Love should just be given, once you know it’s there.
I’m working through it, coming to terms. And once I do…
… I just might get what I need.