Fear and Self-Loathing in My Head.

Beattie focuses a lot on fear; the reasoning behind it being that if you’ve spent so much of your life in a place where fear protects you in one way or the other, you want to stay there. But, she writes, it’s time to re-evaluate.

Today, I went to the doctor to get a physical before I start training for my marathon. It turns out that in the past couple months that I’ve been eating poorly and not exercising as much as I should, I gained 10 pounds. I stepped off the scale and shook my head. LAME. 

It’ll take me about 3-4 weeks to drop those again but I have to be dedicated to it. Ultimately, I sabotaged myself and I’m the only one who loses. I’m not exactly sure what it is I’m afraid of, maybe in some weird way the attention that comes along with taking pride in how you look (no matter your size).

And I certainly am sick of hearing about fad diets. Just because you ate pineapple for 20 weeks straight and it worked for you, doesn’t mean I’m all about it. Furthermore, it doesn’t mean I NEED to try it. I kind of compare it to somebody like Jennifer Hudson. When she was on American Idol, sure, she was a big girl but it shouldn’t have mattered. Now she’s the spokesperson of Weight Watchers and she’s telling everyone from your mom to Adele to lose weight. Informing and inspiring others is a great service; however, some people need to figure it out on their own – if that’s what they want to do – and they usually do, especially if there’s some sort of risk that’s been brought to their attention.

Me? I love sugar. Like, love it. Would eat ice cream for breakfast, cupcakes for lunch, cookies for dinner and ice cream again before bed (and candy all day long in between). I kind of have a feeling that this will lead to something known as diabetes, and I definitely don’t want that.

So, the battle continues. Why I’m afraid of feeling good and confident about my appearance is beyond me, and there have been quite a few people who’ve told me I’m beautiful. Maybe I’ll get to the point that I can say it to myself and believe it, eh?