Meditations in An Emergency.

Yes, I’m still watching “Mad Men.”

Yes, I now want to read the book on which this title is based.

Yes, I still think Vincent Kartheiser is ugly and I hate his pouty faces.

I find myself at crossroads at the strangest times these days. Tonight, while walking to voice lessons, I started to think about the guitar I’ve had since I was 16… and how I should get it fixed. SOMEONE tried to restring it and successfully busted two pegs. And then I started to think about the electric guitar that belonged to my ex. And how I’ll never play it, because I’m afraid of breaking it. And how I keep it, because it reminds me of him. But what do I need to keep an instrument around for, if I never play it?

And when I walked into the school tonight, I was met with a sign for I.A.N. (Irish American News) which – coincidentally, OR NOT SO COINCIDENTALLY – was my boyfriend’s name.

I’m still not sure whether this means I should keep the guitar or whether I should sell, but it’s nice to know that every now and then, he may still be out there somewhere.

But what do I care, really? Let me rephrase. I care. I care too much. I am, as discussed before, a past-dweller. I think about our relationship often. And what went wrong. And what went right. And how – 3.5 years later – I am still like this. When I should not be.

And you could say, “What is should?” Because the decisions I should have made in the time since I didn’t. And I made some really stupid decisions. I clung to people I should not have. And sometimes I feel as if I am moving on, and waking up, and being positive.

I am still not at a place where I am at peace with myself and my decisions. Is that sad? I don’t know. I don’t particularly think so (but maybe in this situation, I wouldn’t) – but I think that it’s all a part of this growing process (which, sadly, may take seventeen years? But I hope not…).

Anywho, that’s my emergency. And this is my meditation. Or, to be more specific, my rumination

Now let’s all do a big group “Ommmm…”

Have a good night, everyone.

211 Responses to “Meditations in An Emergency.”

  1. Katie Renee

    Well, I’m the girl that never got rid of anything from my last ex. I guess it’s all in your own time. When you are ready to move on, get past it, or be at peace with it… or maybe just stop thinking of it so much, you will. No worries, you aren’t the only one.

  2. Tricia

    If you ever want to sell Ian’s guitar, please let me know. We’d like to keep it in the family. Thanks!

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