Yes, I’m still watching “Mad Men.” Yes, I now want to read the book on which this title is based. Yes, I still think Vincent Kartheiser is ugly and I hate his pouty faces. I find myself at crossroads at the strangest times these days. Tonight, while walking to voice lessons, I started to think about the guitar I’ve had since I was 16… and how I should get it fixed. SOMEONE tried to restring it and successfully busted two pegs. And then I started to think about the electric guitar that belonged to my ex. And how I’ll never… I’m not done yet.
Posts Categorized: Death
It was never my intention to post my book, but I have little else to write about (at least tonight). I will say that, while I have faithfully written this blog every day so far this year, I am still afraid of finishing what I also feel destined to complete. In my heart, I am a writer. And in my heart, I am scared of so many, many things. — The summer after you did, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett both died on the same day. I walked past the condo I had sent you a picture of about two… I’m not done yet.
After my mini pity-party yesterday, I decided the best course of action would be to get up and get out. I elected to walk the mile to a bookstore that I visit with varying frequency, depending on my mood. This mood said, “Get some books, and quit whining.” Even though the weather was tolerable, by the time I got there I was fairly sweaty. I felt good – and bad – about that. My muscles were still slightly achy from the 11-miler I ran Sunday, and I figured some light walking wouldn’t hurt. I also knew I’d sweat a bit… I’m not done yet.
It was three years ago today that I walked into the bedroom and found you lying there, face down in a pillow, on the floor. I walked over to you after not hearing from you for days, thinking that you were just asleep, but it didn’t take me long to realize that something was wrong. Your body, covered in bruises. Your body, now marbled. It was your ear, specifically. It curled in such a way, like that of grey cauliflower. It was your ear which made me say your name over and over again. It was your ear. It was… I’m not done yet.
“Who needs a dream? Who needs ambitions? Who’d be the fool in my position?” – “Where I Want to Be” from the musical Chess. The character of Anatoly in the musical Chess is a very good Russian player. Although he’s very talented, he is plagued by doubts of failure and truth in his life. I am not one who lives a life ruled by fear, but I do allow fear to stop me from progressing at times. In writing about fear, Beattie says, “Relax…Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it – whatever it is.” Most often,… I’m not done yet.